Sharty Christmas

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Well, if my birthday sucked, Christmas was the worst one of my life. I wish I could go into details as to why, but I just can't right now. They both sucked for a big reason though. Bah fucking humbug to the 100th degree. I tell the truth though and I must admit that for a minute, Christmas eve didn't suck.

I was broke. The HU SNG thing on FTP didn't work out, I snapped under the pressure. But I ended up dealing the G-spot, an underground G-vegas game, thereby aquiring the funds to buy Christmas gifts. I spent wednesday shopping. I even drove from G-vegas to Charlotte for a t-shirt. It was a specific t-shirt that I loved and just had to buy for Drew. Then, on thursday, I drove to columbia to see Drew and give her her gifts.

On the drive down, I was depressed as hell. I was thinking about everything you'd suspect from being lonely this holiday season to what my life could have been. I was sick of every CD that I own and so I tuned into talk radio and there was a Christmas show on. The guy was telling Christmas stories and playing Christmas music. He told a story of how a battle came to an abrupt halt on Christmas during WWI. He told of German troops hunkered down in long trenches exchanging fire with French and British troops in their own trenches. But suddenly, and I want to say at midnight but I'm not sure about the time, the German soldiers stopped shooting. Noticing that they were no longer taking fire, the British and French stopped shooting as well. The guy went on to tell about how the Germans started singing Christmas songs and I guess the message was that for a few hours, there was peace on Earth.

Now, whether or not the story is true is not the point. No, the point is that for a minute, I found something that I haven't felt in a few years and was sure I wouldn't feel this year. I found the Christmas spirit. Or rather, since I wasn't looking for it, the Christmas spirit found me. There I was, driving to columbia to have what little bit of Christmas I would have, and it found me.

I met Drew at Starbucks and we got coffee. Actually, she had a Caramel Apple Spice and I had coffee. I gave her gifts and she truely loved them, especially the t-shirt I drove 1.5 hours each direction to get. But I have this problem. Whenever I'm where I want to be, I can't stop dreading the coming of the end. We talked and we laughed and it was special and it was fun. I love Drew to death and that's what made it so hard to leave. After an hour and a half, she had to get back home for a Christmas gathering with neighbors. Wishing so badly that I could stay with her, I got in my car and headed back to G-vegas.

Luckily, I got my friend Mark on the phone and we talked about unrelated items and that kept me from sulking and sinking into a deep depression. Then I got home and watched Martin on DVD until I fell asleep. But as badly as I wanted to sleep straight through until saturday, I woke up Christmas day. Santa hadn't come. There were no gifts, no cards, no nothing. I went to Starbucks and played SNGs online until time to eat with my mom and then I went back to the G-spot and dealt until 5:00am. As sad as Christmas day was, I would not trade anything for the hour and a half I spent with Drew on Christmas Eve.

I'm stressed today, but there have been a few good developments. I made a little money on Christmas night and yesterday I drove back up here to Cherokee. I got a free room and at about 7:30 I sat with $100. At around 1:30, I got up with $585. So I am not broke at the moment. That feels good. I have a few bucks on FTP and the other day I turned 2200 FPPs on Stars into $44T and then into $110 in real money. I figure I'll play a little online to wake up, drink this coffee to cheer up, and then I'll get back to work in the poker room.

The anguish of the holidays is not over for me yet. I'll explain further very soon. It's not just about Drew, I can see Drew whenever I want. She geniuinely loves to see me and I can't even put into words how I feel about her. I do get down about not being with her for her entire life. And I do get down about not being able to see her every day. But I love the fact that we are now in each other's lives. She's very special and I could just listen to her talk for hours. She says so many things that are just like me. Like when she was astounded by the girl she was behind at the vending machine at school who was counting out pennies. "Who doesn't know the machine doesn't take pennies?!?," she asked and exclaimed. You would have had to hear her to get it, but she is JUST LIKE ME! She complains about the exact same things I do. She told me the other day that there was something inside her that won't allow her to stop and stand in the hall or in a walkway because she's aware that there are other people trying to get through and she was talking about the million idiots who seem so oblivious to this type of thing. Every single day I deal with the same idiots at Cherokee and every other damned place I go. God, I love Drew.

So I'm down but I'm not out. Yes, there are bumps in the road. Yes, I'm questioning things that I've so desperately wanted and stressed over for so long. Yes, I'm affraid now more than ever that things aren't going to work out. But let me tell you, if I haven't given up yet and put a bullet in my head, I never will. I'll continue to fight the enemy and I'll continue to fight to get myself to do what needs to be done. The coffee must be working because my spirits are lifting as we speak.

I actually hope everone out there had a better Christmas season than I did. And I shall hold on to hope that next year will be better.

God bless.