Having a Vegas Attack

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Right off the bat I should disclose that I didn't sleep last night. I dozed here and there but I couldn't get to sleep initially and then I was awake more than asleep. Now, that being said, I'm in a funked up mood. I'm tired and groggy. I'm depressed. It all started while I was stil in bed. I can't stop thinking about Vegas. I know I just wrote about how I'm not taking another shot right now and how I'm looking for a job and all that. But I just can't get Vegas out of my head today.

I'm here in SC for a good reason. I really am in love. But there are complications and who knows what will happen. And I love Drew to death and I love seeing her, but I could see her if I lived in Vegas. I'm playing FTP sattelites on Full Tilt at starbucks right now. I'm listening to Demon Hunter, whom I associate with Vegas. I'm watching videos I took of my apartment and while driving around the valley and stuff. I fucking miss it so fucking much right now. I miss the desert, the dirt, the night sky, the streets, the traffic, Fresh & Easy, the Strip, and fucking poker man... fucking poker.

Today, I just want to forget everything and wake up in my apartment in Vegas. I'd get up about now; it's 10:10 am there. I want to get up, drive over to my Starbucks, get a coffee, and drive down to Planet Hollywood, snatch a quick $300 and then stroll about the strip for awhile. I want to drive back to my favorite Fresh & Easy, pick up Asian Style Spare Ribs, go home, pop them in the oven and watch Everybody Loves Raymond on DVD untill I fall asleep. If I wake up tomorrow in Greenville, then we'll go from there. But today, I desperately want to be in Vegas. I want it so bad I feel like I'm gonna cry.

See, I could make that happen. It would be easy to get back to Vegas. I could be there in two months without a problem. But I love this girl and I want a better future. But right now I just want to play live tournies at the Venetian and Caesar's and Sahara. I want to run a stack of red into a rack of red at MGM. I want to drive the 215 from the strip to 95 and then to Russell Rd. to my apartment.

I've invested so much time and energy into what's been going on here since I left Vegas. I just don't think I can bring myself to give up on it. But I am losing hope and I feel like time is running out. I'm actually affraid that if things don't quickly go where I need them to go I may run away back to Vegas. I had some tough times in Vegas, and I had some really high times. No matter what was happening though, I felt like I belonged there. I was home. Every opportunity was there for me and I had the skills at the tables to beat the game. I still had life/discipline issues to learn about and work through, but I truely was on my way. I wish I could reach out and touch the High Desert today, I really do. I'm about to panic. I'm feeling overly anxious. I have to get up and leave Starbucks immediately. I don't know what to do.

Today, please, fml. Tyvm.

It's buried deep within the past, I hope it doesn't last
It's something I already chase, I already chase
I try to give it all away, but it's never gonna fade
It's something I don't waan face, I don't wanna face

You bring me to a better path, it's everything I asked
It's something I don't wanna face, I don't wanna face

When my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, Pray for you
Before I make my final run
I will stay with you, decay with you...