Leaving Las Vegas

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Sometimes I hear a song and it not only reminds me of my time living in Las Vegas, but it takes me back there with an almost deja vu-like weirdness. "Stay Captive" by Still Remains is one such song and I just heard it. And what an appropriate time too, as I'm boarding a plane seven days from now to fly back to the Mecca to see it for the first time in almost 2 years.

It's hard to believe it's been that long. When I left Vegas in late March of 2009, I didn't know what I'd be getting myself into. I had great reasons for leaving and for those reasons, I'd leave just about anything on Earth. I love Drew to death. For anyone who doesn't know, Drew is my long lost daughter. I met her for the first time shortly after arriving back here in SC. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I wouldn't trade the amazement of meeting such a wonderful, person who, though never having met me before, is so much like me it's scary. I wouldn't trade the pain and agony of dealing with and accepting the fact that I missed so much with Drew. I also wouldn't trade the pain I've experienced from finding out just how much her mother was in love with me way back then, and I with her, and discovering just how vast the mistakes which were made at that time actually were. For my mistakes, I will forever be mournful and ashamed. I may never get over it and I may never allow myself to have the life I've always wanted. Barring my soul, I would give anything and everything to go back and change it. And my soul may actually hang in the balance if it were an option.

On February 14th, I'll be boarding a plane in Charlotte along with XpenginX. We are planning to stay in Vegas until Friday. I don't know how I will react to the sights, sounds and smells of that great city. I'm looking so forward to it, but at the same time I'm a little scared. I actually have a decision to make regarding where I'm going to spend the next few months or years of my life. It may be hard to get me back to the airport friday morning and I suppose I'll have to trust the penguin to get me there. All emotion aside though, I have responsibilities here for the time being so I'll be back. But considering the state of my personal life and the albatross that is my desperate desire to have something that increasingly appears to be unattainable, I may be heading back west for a longer period.

When I left Las Vegas before, I didn't want to leave. But things here were, and are, way more important. I don't know what's going to happen. I guess we'll just see, won't we...