Comeuppance

To contact us Click HERE
I don't know where to start. I feel like I have a million things to report, but I can't think of anything to say. Obviously it's been a month and a half since my last post, and so much has happened. But it's like I've lost touch with the blog. I used to love to tell my story, and quite a few people liked to read it. But the last year and a half has been so nuts. I used to be very open about my life in general. I'd just tell the world where I was and what I was doing. But so much of the last year and and half has been kept private. This was necessary, but not by my choice. So as a result, I have reported only on the stuff I can talk about out loud. I think that's made me feel a little detached from forum through which I once so openly discussed matters of my life.

I have shared many personal learning experiences in this blog. My hope is that I have helped others through my own personal insight. I've stated before that I believe that life's main purpose is education. Shit happens, and I need to learn from it. I think that opening my mind to that belief has made possible many occurrences that may not have come along or I may not have noticed otherwise. For having that way of looking at life, I am thankful. I don't know when or where this door opened, but I appreciate the day I walked through it. I realize that there are countless other doors to walk through and I can't wait to get to them. And there's the thing... I think that I've just been too damned busy living in this huge lesson over the past few months to report it to you. What I can tell you is that life has been torturing the shit out of me for months and I've been pushed to levels of stress that I never knew possible. It's been hard as hell. I'm not talking about poker, mind you, but other areas of life, love, regret, penance. As far as those things go, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. In fact, I don't even know what I want anymore. I thought I knew, I really did. And I fought like hell for the last year and a half for it. But now, I just don't know. Now, it would seem that I'm actually scared to death of getting what I've been fighting for. Part of the problem is knowing about myself and trying to figure out if I should change or not. When someone has been dead set on something for 30 years, it's kinda hard to change it. I'm not saying I wouldn't, I just don't know if it's right, and the process may just be too difficult. I may be ready to give up.

Two weeks ago, the shit hit the fan. It's hit the fan before, but this time was truly different. In the immediate aftermath, I decided the best thing for me was to hit the road and stay on it. I've been to Cherokee two or three times and I've been to Jacksonville, FL twice in two weeks. I'm still dealing the game on tuesday and saturday, but the rest of the time I've been traveling and playing poker. G-vegas is just to depressing and I don't want to be depressed. If the last year and a half is over, then I want to embrace it with relief and ambition. If it is over, I want to take with me the positives. I do not want to go back to the lonely, depressing emotional hole I lived in before. I'm so confused, I don't know what the hell I want to do. I do know that I want to be happy. I may not deserve to be happy, but I want it.

If I'm being punished, then it's working. I deserve it and I'm not trying to dodge it. I, without resistance, shall pay my comeuppance. I don't even mind over paying. I just hope that I can pay it off while I still have a little of my youth left.

I will be trying to post more regularly. Right now I'm going to a hotel room in Cherokee, NC to sleep for two days. I'm completely exhausted, having burned the candle at both ends for two solid weeks. At this point, I just want to sleep. Please, let me sleep...