Forgotten My Worth

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I'm going through something right now. Something inside me is awakening. It's been asleep for a long time, but it's coming back to life. I'm groggy, my eyes are sleepy and I'm remembering. I'm remembering who I am, or who I was. I'm remembering where I was. I miss it, and I miss me.

The last year has been treacherous. It's been the toughest time I've ever had to endure. I haven't really explained what has been going on, but trust me, it's been hard. The thing that I'm now realizing is that through it all, I've lost myself. I was a certain person a year ago, and that guy is gone. I miss that guy. My confidence is gone. My self-worth is dead. For the last few days, I've been remembering though, and I think he's coming back.

I really feel as though I'm going through an important transition right now that will affect the rest of my life. I can tell you one thing, and that's that I miss the hell out of Vegas. I left my personality there. I left what sanity I had there and I left all my confidence there. I mean, look at this blog. I used to have a story to tell. I don't anymore. Sure, while I was in Cherokee I had poker stuff to report on, but come on. My story was the guy who picked up and moved himself to Vegas to go for his dream. I've been willing to work hard for my other dream of having love, but I just don't know if that is going to work out anymore. I'm torn and I'm confused.

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I had a very strange experience a few mornings ago. I was lying in bed, half asleep, sort of drifting in and out. I rarely remember my dreams, but I've had quite a few recurring dreams over the years. Some come back for awhile and then dissappear only to resurface years later. I sometimes remember my dreams for a few seconds after I'm awake, but as soon as I sit up they vanish. But while I'm having a recurring dream, I realise that I've had it before. So the other morning, in my sort of half-way-to-sleep phase, my mind was actually flipping through a couple dozen recurring dreams from different times in life. It was a little scary because it felt like my life was flashing before my eyes, like I was about to die. But it wasn't my life that was flashing, it was a life of recurring dreams. None were nightmares, they were just random dreams. It freaked me out that I was remembering so many dreams at once, especially since I never remember my dreams.

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I feel like life is divided into phases. Those phases are linked together like a chain that makes up a timeline of my life. But when I start a new phase, it feels like that phase is seperate while it is happening. It's like, I can look back at my life, and I see the chain, but I'm looking from within one link, so I can't even tell that this link is attached because of my perception. Because this is now. It would be like standing inside a car at the front of a train on a large curve and looking out to see the other cars linked, but not being able to see the outside of the car I'm standing in. I see the inside of this car, but the outside of the others, and it's plain to see that they are connected to each other. But if the train stops and I step off and look at the whole train, I can see that the car I was in is attached. So there comes a point in each phase of my life where I can suddenly see that the phase is attached to the chain that is my entire life. I suppose that is when I step onto the next, new car. I'm feeling that way about this phase, I'm just not sure if it means that the phase is over. I feel like the past year has now attached itself and become part of my history.

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So what to do now? Well, that's what's got me fucked up at the moment. This started 6 days ago and I just can't shake it. And even though one of the immediate sources of stress that I feel snapped me into this place has died, I just can't seem to find my way out. I feel like I'm rediscovering the guy I let die over the last 8 months and I like that. I do not want to let go of myself again. But I'm not sure I have to go all the way back to Vegas to keep myself. It's a weird feeling. I just feel like I've lost touch with TheTrooper97. And though I've felt like I've been losing ouch with him for a few months now, it all just hit me hard six days ago. I just want to stop being stressed the fuck out and stop being a little bitch and stand up and be me agian. And I'm not the only one who likes the real me. What I really need is to go to Vegas for a week and play poker. But I suppose that won't happen.

Who knows what will happen to me. Who knows what will happen next. All I can hope for is that when the smoke finally clears, I am myself again, and I've learned from this experience. I decided awhile back that the meaning of life is to learn and prepare for what comes next, so as long as I'm learning, I'm doing my job.

Rising from the ruins
Yet my mnd is burning
Flames reflect those years of torment
Life that drowned in fire
Death was my desire
Path of hate was relief for me

Heart of storm-I feel the force is clean again
Heart of storm-deep inside of me
Heart of storm-and when I tear all roots of pain
Heart of storm-grief and agony, then I'll be free